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DEPTFORD DIARIES

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7 December 2010

By Al Green

Watching the media coverage of the royal wedding over the last few days you’d be forgiven for thinking that the whole country has gone completely mad.

Am I really the only person who couldn’t care less about this tedious non event? On BBC news 24 a woman from some wedding magazine cropped up every other hour to offer banal insights about what sort of catering would be provided; There may be canapés on offer and probably champagne although we can’t be sure she sagely noted.

There could be a huge Victorian feast too; a turkey stuffed inside a pig, stuffed inside a dolphin, stuffed inside a horse, stuffed inside a rhino as well, but she declined to mention this. The point is we don’t know. Are there really people out there who pore over details such as this, tossing and turning all night anxiously anticipating the day when they can find out what sort of sandwiches will be on offer on April 29th?

Who cares? David Cameron has expressed his excitement at the royal wedding by somewhat unwisely letting slip that he camped out overnight on the mall the day that Charles and Diana got married, a fact which, rather than endearing him to the public as he had no doubt intended, instead just makes him look a bit weird. Every time I look at him now I always imagine him with a scrapbook of cut out pictures of the royal family covered in clingfilm.

Apparently when he told the cabinet they reacted with an equally creepy response by ‘banging their fists on the table and cheering.’ It’s an odd image, like something from the 19th century, top hats thrown in the air while a ruddy faced lord at the end of the table is so jubilant his monocle pops out and plops into his drink. Maybe Cameron’s government will use the wedding day to ‘bury some bad news’ as Blair’s famously did with Diana’s funeral although given the mess we’re in now this tactic would only work if the ceremony lasted at least a month.

Perhaps predictably the news across the pond has gone down even better, with ordinary Americans clambering over each other to offer their congratulations and unadulterated joy at the news. But why?

What’s it got to do with them? Then again I suppose the nearest they ever got to a head of state getting married was when Bill Clinton got you know what by an intern. I doubt there were many cheaply produced mugs commemorating that event. 

Given that Korea may be on the brink of war spelling nuclear doom for the rest of us you would think that the news networks would have something better to talk about. Maybe I’m wrong and the royal wedding really is more important. Maybe the last few survivors of the apocalypse will be huddled under a table somewhere surrounded by ash and darkness, desperately fiddling with a transistor radio to hear news about what sort of dress the Queen was wearing as the black snow starts to settle all around them.

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