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DEPTFORD DIAIRIES

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8 October 2010

By Al Green

I can think of better ways to spend a Tuesday afternoon than to have my doctor slip on a pair of marigolds and root around in my anal cavity.

“You’re lucky,” she says as she scrubs her hands with industrial cleaner, like every woman does after they’ve been anywhere near my genitals, “it’s just haemorrhoids.”

Mmm lucky. It’s more a bird shitting on my head lucky than winning the lottery lucky it seems, but then it’s all relative. If you wipe your arse and there’s blood in it you’re happy with any diagnosis that doesn’t contain the word terminal. And being someone who is naturally predisposed to imagine the worst, my brain had come up with all sorts of improbable explanations to act as coping mechanisms. After one terrifyingly red dump I even managed to convince myself that it was because I was on my period.

As I only seem to be suffering a mild case, piles seems like too strong a word. It implies layers of enlarged protruding blood vessels, which is not the case. In fact a pile still seems too much. I’m not sure why haemorrhoids became known as piles but my guess would be because no-one knows how to spell haemorrhoids.

Another chief symptom of piles is an extreme itchiness around the anus or in my case inside the anus, which means that however much I scratch through my jeans I can never seem to really get at it. The trouble is if you scratch your arse too much the evidence is all too clear to see on your fingers. I’ve thought about becoming a heavy smoker so as to disguise it.

Luckily there are several products on the market to ease sufferers’ discomfort. Given how embarrassing it is to go into a chemist and ask for some cream for your arse in front of both the pharmacist and other shoppers, you’d think that the manufacturer would have born this in mind when naming the product but no, the proud makers of ANUSOL have spared you that small mercy.

Putting an OL on the end of your product is not a sufficient disguise. If you go into a chemist and ask for FLAKYFORESKINOL no-one standing nearby is going to be perplexed as to what your condition might be.

If they’re going to call it anusol why stop there? Might as well just go the whole hog and call it ARSOL. It would be worth it just to hear someone request it at the pharmacy.
-“Excuse me, do you have any arsol?”
-“Just the one sir. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

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