A passer-by got quite the shock walking down East Dulwich’s Lordship Lane, after spotting an ominous chalkboard outside a funeral directors.
“Due to unforeseen circumstances, I am awake,” the spooky message reads.
Could it be a message from beyond the grave?
No need to panic, however, as the neighbouring business is a coffee shop – and the ad was targeted at zombified commuters rather than being a sign of actual zombies.
Sign of the wines
In a similar vein of easily confused adverts, our attention is drawn to a road sign in Bermondsey.
It looks like any other set of traffic directions, except the location is given simply as: WINE.
Following the directions leads motorists to pick up a tipple or two from the nearby offie, we understand – although, hopefully, not while still at the wheel.
Brazil to Bermondsey
Millwall fans can be found all over the world, even in the middle of a carnival on the other side of the world.
“We might be 5,700 miles from Bermondsey… but spotted this friendly Brazilian amongst the throngs of people at Rio Carnival yesterday,” tweeted Mike Williams, who works for the Zoe Ball Breakfast Show.
The beaming Brazilian, proudly wearing a tee with the slogan, “no-one likes us and we don’t care”, has only one dream: to make it to the Den.
Is a crowd-funded plane trip in order?
We might be 5,700 miles from Bermondsey… but spotted this friendly Brazilian amongst the throngs of people at Rio Carnival yesterday!
— mike williams (@mikewills_sport) March 5, 2019
Not even our fighting men and women are safe from chubbiness, says a former professor of surgery at Guy’s and St Thomas’.
“The most serious eating disorder by far is the obesity epidemic, which is now impinging on the Armed Forces,” warned Lord McColl of Dulwich during a Lords debate earlier this month.
The problem is so serious, he said, that modifications to military equipment need to be made – including to ejector seats in fighter planes, to accommodate their porky passengers.
Navy sailors aren’t so slim either. “We may have to enlarge the escape hatches of submarines”, Lord McColl added.
Baptism of fire
It’s been an eventful start for Fiona Colley, former Southwark cabinet member, who has begun a £100,000-a-year post as Lewisham’s assistant director of comms and strategy.
The opposition Liberal Democrat group on the council have criticised her appointment by accusing the Labour-led borough of giving her the role for political reasons, as she is a former Labour councillor.
The borough, when it was announcing her appointment, pointed to a 45-strong pool of applicants and said her appointment brings a wealth of experience from the public and private sectors.
First order of business for Lewisham’s new PR supremo, it seems then, is to manage some negative press about herself.
Plod’s poor pasta?
The closure of Camberwell and Kennington police stations – due by the end of March – has caused dismay in many quarters of the community.
But other vital police stations in the borough have been left more mixed reviews online, some ostensibly from those who’ve been in custody.
One possibly confused reviewer has this handy tip for anyone thinking of whiling away their time at a bobby’s pleasure in Walworth Police station: “Don’t get the lasagne… it’s disgusting.”
A sting in the tale
A “feckless marauder” got more than they bargained for when they reportedly vaulted eight feet into an apiary at Potters Fields Park.
The intruder landed directly onto a Bermondsey Street Bees hive, knocking it to its side.
The bees are alright but were sad to see their unexpected guest leave in such a hurry. The intruder left empty-handed, but still had something to show for their endeavours.
“[The bees] hope that those swellings will go down soon,” said the business.
Have you got a tip for our diary columnist? Send a message to firstname.lastname@example.org.